And So This Is Christmas....

It's Christmas Eve, and I'm not in the spirit. 2011 really has been a rough year for my family. Hubby had to have heart surgery last month, and his insurance is now denying his short term disability payments. We have not had his income for 6 weeks, and since he only went back to work 2 days ago, there's at least another 2 weeks before we see a paycheck. It's been so stressful that I am completely unable to see the joy of the season. Hubby and I fight constantly- money, child rearing, house chores- it goes on and on. I think I am depressed. I find it really difficult to lift a finger around the house, even though I desperately want the house to be neat and clean. I am worried all the time about if we will be able to make bills, and although I have been looking for a full time job, I've not had any luck with any of the interviews that I have had. I feel like everything is closing in on me and there is no way out. It's a truly terrible feeling, especially at Christmas.

My job is now in an uncertain place- my boss believes that he will be let go any day now. He is stressed to the max and he told me that he is on the verge of quitting. All of this adds up to me having to worry if I will have a job as well. It's bad enough that I have had no benefits with this job, but if I lose it, I don't even think I could get unemployment. It's scary. I have been looking for work so I can leave before that could happen. But so far, it's been an uphill battle.

I continue to feel used and taken advantage of by my family as well. My Mom treats me like a servant that she has at her beck and call. I do her many favors, the biggest of which is to drive her around because she doesn't drive, and I get no thanks. Or, I get minimal thanks and the next day it's forgotten. I am spending $100 per week for gas that I can't afford, and I have to drive 10 miles each way to get to her house and back, not including the running around to different stores. The other day I took her "food shopping" which was supposed to be a trip to 1 grocery store, that turned into 3 different grocery stores and over 4 hours. I used up a 1/4 tank of gas that day. I don't get so much as a thank you, and on top of it, whenever I call her, she snarks at me on the phone and gets snippy with me. I'm so over it all, it's not even funny.

Adding to my foul mood is the fact that Hubby is forced to work both today, Christmas Eve, and tomorrow all day 8-5 on Christmas Day. That was the punishment he got from work for being out on sick leave for 6 weeks. The man just had heart surgery! Corporate bastards should roast in hell!

So anyway, I'm really in a Grinch kind of mood, and I want desperately to have a Christmas miracle- like, to win the Powerball or Lotto tonight. That would solve a lot of my issues.

As for Shell, I've heard from her on and off lately. I don't really go out of my way to seek her out, but I speak to her every few weeks or so. She called yesterday to tell me that she and the daughter were going to drive to NY leaving tonite. She avoids the topic of the bf, but I am sure that is why she is going up there. I just don't have the energy to think about that ridiculous situation, so I leave it alone.

Anyway, that's it for now, Merry Christmas (I think) and praying for a better year in 2012.

Getting discouraged

I have been out of work since my dear little boy was born- I have been looking everyday on the computer, put out feelers with everyone I could think of to network with, but no luck so far. I had 1 interview with a company over a week ago, and have not heard anything back yet. I know that they were going to do a round of 2nd interviews calling back 3-5 of the applicants before making a decision...so far I have not heard a thing. I'm not having a good feeling about this job. :(

On the baby front, my precious boy is getting big! He's very vocal now, he's discovered his hands and is grabbing anything that he can. I love him so much it's unbelievable. He's the light of my life, even though taking care of him is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I really wish that I could afford to stay home with him. I get the guilt trip every day from hubby that I need a job soon or else we won't be able to make the bills. I totally understand that, but on the other hand, you can't get back these early weeks and months in your baby's life and if I had been working this whole time, I'd have missed the milestones...like the first smile, the first giggle- he's now attempting to roll over...he gets halfway on his side and can't get all the way over yet. These are all things that I would be missing if I were working.

I wish that I could come into some money- enough to afford me the opportunity to stay at home with baby boy and continue to look for a job that works with his schedule. I play the lottery every week- I'm not greedy though, I don't need to be a multimillionaire- I just need us to be able to pay the bills, and maybe help out my parents a bit, that's all! I pray for a good financial outcome for us, and soon. We need the help desperately.

I guess I just needed to vent- I feel pretty isolated since I had the baby. I've been pretty much abandoned by my best friend (Shell), my former good friends (B&A) and Miss G have disappeared off the map, I look the worst I have ever looked in my life as well. I can't seem to get the motivation to exercise anymore, not even to dance, even though I miss it terribly. I think I may be depressed. :( I don't know what to do, because I feel like I have no one to turn to...not even my own parents can help me, as they are in a worse situation than I am. They are unable to see past their own hurdles to notice that I am suffering. I hope that this passes soon. I need some good luck to come into my life and that will be enough to get me out of the slump. Thank God I have my baby boy. He is the most precious thing to me. I focus on him and not the bad stuff.

That's it and that's all for now...