So it's 4 days before Christmas, and I am officially on my "vacation" from work. Work has been pretty bad lately...so I am very glad to not be there for the next 11 days. I am compelled to write about how much I hate that miserable place. It's a place that I have worked for 12 years. Every year I tell myself, it's bound to be better...it can't possibly get worse can it? Yet, somehow, it gets worse. I can't even begin to chronicle all of the injustices I have suffered at the hand of XYZ Asshole Company. They are the evil incarnate. Let's just put it this way...at the end of the year when MOST companies reward their employees with a Christmas or End of Year Bonus, a Christmas Party and gifts, XYZ Asshole Company does none of those things. We get a song and dance about how WELL the company did this year- oh yes, it is a BILLION dollar company- and their gift to us is a mini jar of M&M's with the company's logo on it- incidentally, it is the SAME gift they mailed out to the customers anyway. So, it's not REALLY a gift now is it? It's a WRITE off. They host a "luncheon" on site for the "holiday" during the work day, which ensures both that it is going to be only an hour, and also that no one leaves for lunch, thus ensuring that more work can be accomplished. There are no Christmas parties, no bonuses, no gifts. We get ZIPPO and yet they continue to BRAG about how WELL the company did this year, and how "lucky" we are to work there. Yesterday I had my year end review (a joke of a process I assure you) and I am given the typical "you are a great part of our team, you do an exemplary job, etc." Yet, they won't give me a raise. It's been 3 years with no raise...they decided to cap my pay and not allow for cost of living increases. Now anyone living in the USA today KNOWS that the past 2-3 years have been BRUTAL for cost of living, and if the pay isn't keeping up with it, then you are actually falling behind in your bills by working there. Basically they don't care..because bottom line, they WANT to keep downsizing, keeping the profits for the multi-millionaire owner so he can buy another $20 million dollar penthouse in a major city. The owner of this company is a RAT. He's a rat, plain and simple... I had this experience with him just yesterday....
I was coming into my building where I work, laden down with the usual junk I carry with me everyday: Purse, tote bag, lunch tote, keys, and coffee, carrying my access card in my teeth b/c I have no more hands to hold it. As I struggle to get the door open with my foot and my butt... I hear.. "Hold the door please." And it's CEO Asshole! I paste on a fake grin and hold the door. He runs up to me and says "You just saved my life, thanks." and I said "Oh you know someone would have come along and let you in the door." He tells me, "Oh, I have my card... My hands are so FULL." I look down at his hands...he is holding a bottle of water in one hand, and wallet and keys in the other. I have all of the aforementioned things, PLUS I am holding the door open with my ass....This ASSHOLE proceeds to walk past me and doesn't offer to hold the door open for me...just walks past and goes "Have a nice day!" This guy deserves the Asshole of the year award in my book. I mean REALLY... How can anyone have so few manners???? Just because I don't have his money doesn't automatically make me his SERVANT. That is the DISTINCT feeling that I got when he brushed past me. Gee, I should have held out my hand for a tip....
I know this is a rant...I can't help myself! I am so furiously ANGRY at the way I have been treated at the hands of XYZ Asshole Company. I have been searching for a job for a LONG time and so far nothing that is suitable has come along. I can't afford to work somewhere for LESS money...but the way things are now, I can't afford to stay there either!!!
I PRAY every day that something good can happen to me...I totally feel beat up by life lately and I need a sign that good things are in store for me. I need to get away from XYZ Asshole Company...the stress of being there sucks the life out of me and it's probably keeping me from getting pregnant...
So I am putting this out there to the entire Cosmos... HELP ME!! Inspire me! Give me the winning lotto numbers! Something!!!
That's it and that's all.......
Friday, December 21, 2007
Friday, December 7, 2007
An update....
It has been 6 weeks since my surgery. As far as surgeries go, it was a success. I had a relatively easy recovery from it, and for that I am grateful. The surgeon did find extensive endometriosis, as suspected, and it was bad enough that it had completely covered both ovaries, plastering them to my pelvic wall, and covered over my tubes as well. Apparently, I had an endometrioma (chocolate cyst) on the right ovary that had to be removed. The surgeon gave me pictures of the before and after to bring to the specialist at my next consultation. They are pretty cool, but pretty gross at the same time. It's awe inspiring to see something like a picture of your insides...I mean, how many people really get to see all that anyway? It's kind of neat to see...
Anyway, so far it's only been 1 cycle since and obviously no pregnancy yet. I am still trying... I will continue to try naturally for as long as possible. I am still waiting for the specialist to direct me on what he wants me to do. I had an ultrasound at the beginning of my last cycle, and I have not heard what the next step is to be. I guess I should call the Dr. again, but I keep holding out hope that I will get pregnant on my own without help. It's my biggest wish and prayer these days.
Aside from that, an update on my friends A and B. B decided to get a boob job! She decided that she was ready to do it, and I supported her in it 100%. I am happy for her. She had the surgery a couple of weeks ago and I can tell that already she has an increased confidence level. Good for her. I also found out that she has a little playmate in the office that she has been flirting with for a while. And it makes me wonder if all this plastic surgery talk started because of this flirtation. Honestly, I can't fault her for wanting a little bit of fun. It hasn't gone anywhere as far as I can tell. She has even shared some of the emails that go back and forth with him. They are mostly playful, with a little bit of naughty connotation going on. Like I said, who am I to judge her? I am guilty of doing that myself... so if it makes her feel better to share it with me in order to relieve her guilt...so be it. Truthfully, I get a kick out of it and I have to say that I really really miss that kind of banter in my day now that A is out of my life.
Speaking of A... I have not once heard from him since he visited here back in Sept. He said he'd keep in touch, but I think that both of us knew that he wouldn't. He has totally written me off as a friend now that he knows he can't have me the way he wants to. For him, it's easier to block me out than to try to work on a civil friendship that has no sexual overtones. Because to him, the only relationship with a woman has a sexual overtone. There is no other option with him. It's his way of living...but not mine. So as much as I miss that part of my life, I am also relieved to close the chapter on it. As far as I am concerned, I am friends with B, and that is it. If we ever get to hang out together again I will deal with my feelings about A. But or the most part, I have written him off as well. It's for the best.
That's it and that's all folks....
Anyway, so far it's only been 1 cycle since and obviously no pregnancy yet. I am still trying... I will continue to try naturally for as long as possible. I am still waiting for the specialist to direct me on what he wants me to do. I had an ultrasound at the beginning of my last cycle, and I have not heard what the next step is to be. I guess I should call the Dr. again, but I keep holding out hope that I will get pregnant on my own without help. It's my biggest wish and prayer these days.
Aside from that, an update on my friends A and B. B decided to get a boob job! She decided that she was ready to do it, and I supported her in it 100%. I am happy for her. She had the surgery a couple of weeks ago and I can tell that already she has an increased confidence level. Good for her. I also found out that she has a little playmate in the office that she has been flirting with for a while. And it makes me wonder if all this plastic surgery talk started because of this flirtation. Honestly, I can't fault her for wanting a little bit of fun. It hasn't gone anywhere as far as I can tell. She has even shared some of the emails that go back and forth with him. They are mostly playful, with a little bit of naughty connotation going on. Like I said, who am I to judge her? I am guilty of doing that myself... so if it makes her feel better to share it with me in order to relieve her guilt...so be it. Truthfully, I get a kick out of it and I have to say that I really really miss that kind of banter in my day now that A is out of my life.
Speaking of A... I have not once heard from him since he visited here back in Sept. He said he'd keep in touch, but I think that both of us knew that he wouldn't. He has totally written me off as a friend now that he knows he can't have me the way he wants to. For him, it's easier to block me out than to try to work on a civil friendship that has no sexual overtones. Because to him, the only relationship with a woman has a sexual overtone. There is no other option with him. It's his way of living...but not mine. So as much as I miss that part of my life, I am also relieved to close the chapter on it. As far as I am concerned, I am friends with B, and that is it. If we ever get to hang out together again I will deal with my feelings about A. But or the most part, I have written him off as well. It's for the best.
That's it and that's all folks....
Thursday, September 20, 2007
A friend's dilemma
Here's a topic that has been weighing on me heavily for a long time now- I first have to explain the situation before I can go into the current problem. So, here goes-
I am friends with a married couple, A (husband) and B (wife). I used to work with them. In fact, I worked closely with A, he and I were in a situation of superior/inferior so to speak. B came to work there years after he did, but she and I became friends (at A's urging.) I had a friendly/ flirty relationship with A- I felt comfortable with him and I felt "safe" in that flirty relationship. About a year ago, B and A decided to move out of state- they hated it here where we live and wanted out. It was at that time that things with A got out of hand. What was once flirty in a non serious way, suddenly became serious. I got caught up in the male attention, he was on a power trip, enjoying the drama of it. A week before he left- we had a meeting over drinks- and he kissed me. I was so sick over this incident- that the next day at work, I requested that we have lunch to discuss the whole thing. We both came to an agreement that this was not the road we would go down- there was too much at stake, etc. Although riddled with guilt, I was putting it behind me, because it was nothing, right?
Fast Forward a week- it's his last nite in town- the 4 of us go out for drinks and karaoke and get absolutely smashed. They invite us back to their house for a while- so we went. The guys consume more beer- B and I switch to water so we can sober up. After a little while, B passes out upstairs, and Hubby passes out on the floor. That is when things got out of hand. A decided that he wanted to go back on the agreement that we had made about not going further and jeopardizing our lives- he decided, as is his typical fashion, to change the plan and went for me anyway.
After a lot of talking and kissing and groping- he finally let me go- because I was terrified of this becoming a scene. I even said to him- how unfair of you to do this to me when it was a done deal- we weren't going to do this. And all he could say is...I have been thinking of you all week, and all I wanna do is to bend you over that slide in the backyard and have you. (SO charming, huh?) We left off on a bad note, as I was mortified and humiliated and all sorts of emotions we swirling around me. After he left, I did speak to him on the phone a few times..and basically he said he didn't regret any of it and that if he wasn't married to B, he would go for me, even if I was still with Hubby. That was the death knell for our friendship- for I could never view him in the same light again after that. It was a betrayal of my Hubby, and my dear friend B as well.
Fast forward again to a year later- and we finally meet again face to face- he comes to town to visit with a good friend and comes by the office to visit. I hadn't heard from him in 2 1/2 months and he has been ignoring me in general. It was a little strained, and I was a nervous wreck to see him after all that happened, as I have tortured myself for a year over the guilt and the sadness of losing out on the friendship. The 3 of us went for drinks on the last nite he was here- things were normal on the surface, but I could see that twinkle in his eye and I knew in that moment that nothing had changed with him. There was no conscience there- he would repeat that behavior if given the chance to. That saddened me more- but now I have come to terms with the fact that I am friends with a habitual philanderer (I don't even know if you can call it "friends".)
I feel for B- because she is the one suffering from the emotional abandonment. She recently opened up to me about their volatile relationship (which I knew of somewhat from my dealings with A) and how since they have moved he has been unnaturally jealous. She tells me he has never been that way before, and has even stooped to checking her cell phone and text messages and emails on the home computer, all of a sudden he feels insecure about their relationship. She tells me that he is acting like he is guilty for something, but won't tell her what's bothering him. Instead, he picks arguments with her over silly things (such as text messages from guy friends she has known for years) and gives her the silent treatment. They just finished a silent period that lasted for 2 whole days. It was B that had to end it, because he won't ever admit to being wrong, he is a passive aggressive son of a gun I tell you. She suspects that he may have strayed and has a guilty conscience. This is the part that is really hard for me. In some ways, I feel responsible for this situation between them- but then I think about it again- our "relationship" if you could call it that- it never materialized. It never progressed into an affair. And for him to be acting out an entire year later, I have to believe that it's not on account of me- rather he has tangled himself in another dalliance that has perhaps gone too far. One thing I know for certain- he HAS gotten into these situations before- he admitted that to me on one of those phone calls right after the move. He admitted to 2 such situations in the past- knowing this guy and his huge ego- I would multiply that by 10. Because someone like A gets off on being the puppetmaster. He pulls the strings in any way possible to twist things his way. Fortunately for me, he is no longer in my daily life and I am out of his reach. Poor B is not so lucky. After 13 years of marriage and 2 kids, it's not so easy to walk away from it- even with his emotional alienation and controlling behavior. I hate to say this- but I think she would be better off without him. I know I am. But I can't say these things because I love her and want her to be at peace. I could never be the one to inflict this pain on anyone I love. I hold it inside of me and suffer it in silence.
That is my confession, my deep dark secret, be that as it may....... and before you pass judgement on my actions or how I handled the situation, please bear in mind that no one is infallible when it comes to affairs of the heart. All one can do is reevaluate and renew and start over. That is what I have done, and that is what I will keep doing until I make it right.
Until next time... that's it and that's all folks.....
I am friends with a married couple, A (husband) and B (wife). I used to work with them. In fact, I worked closely with A, he and I were in a situation of superior/inferior so to speak. B came to work there years after he did, but she and I became friends (at A's urging.) I had a friendly/ flirty relationship with A- I felt comfortable with him and I felt "safe" in that flirty relationship. About a year ago, B and A decided to move out of state- they hated it here where we live and wanted out. It was at that time that things with A got out of hand. What was once flirty in a non serious way, suddenly became serious. I got caught up in the male attention, he was on a power trip, enjoying the drama of it. A week before he left- we had a meeting over drinks- and he kissed me. I was so sick over this incident- that the next day at work, I requested that we have lunch to discuss the whole thing. We both came to an agreement that this was not the road we would go down- there was too much at stake, etc. Although riddled with guilt, I was putting it behind me, because it was nothing, right?
Fast Forward a week- it's his last nite in town- the 4 of us go out for drinks and karaoke and get absolutely smashed. They invite us back to their house for a while- so we went. The guys consume more beer- B and I switch to water so we can sober up. After a little while, B passes out upstairs, and Hubby passes out on the floor. That is when things got out of hand. A decided that he wanted to go back on the agreement that we had made about not going further and jeopardizing our lives- he decided, as is his typical fashion, to change the plan and went for me anyway.
After a lot of talking and kissing and groping- he finally let me go- because I was terrified of this becoming a scene. I even said to him- how unfair of you to do this to me when it was a done deal- we weren't going to do this. And all he could say is...I have been thinking of you all week, and all I wanna do is to bend you over that slide in the backyard and have you. (SO charming, huh?) We left off on a bad note, as I was mortified and humiliated and all sorts of emotions we swirling around me. After he left, I did speak to him on the phone a few times..and basically he said he didn't regret any of it and that if he wasn't married to B, he would go for me, even if I was still with Hubby. That was the death knell for our friendship- for I could never view him in the same light again after that. It was a betrayal of my Hubby, and my dear friend B as well.
Fast forward again to a year later- and we finally meet again face to face- he comes to town to visit with a good friend and comes by the office to visit. I hadn't heard from him in 2 1/2 months and he has been ignoring me in general. It was a little strained, and I was a nervous wreck to see him after all that happened, as I have tortured myself for a year over the guilt and the sadness of losing out on the friendship. The 3 of us went for drinks on the last nite he was here- things were normal on the surface, but I could see that twinkle in his eye and I knew in that moment that nothing had changed with him. There was no conscience there- he would repeat that behavior if given the chance to. That saddened me more- but now I have come to terms with the fact that I am friends with a habitual philanderer (I don't even know if you can call it "friends".)
I feel for B- because she is the one suffering from the emotional abandonment. She recently opened up to me about their volatile relationship (which I knew of somewhat from my dealings with A) and how since they have moved he has been unnaturally jealous. She tells me he has never been that way before, and has even stooped to checking her cell phone and text messages and emails on the home computer, all of a sudden he feels insecure about their relationship. She tells me that he is acting like he is guilty for something, but won't tell her what's bothering him. Instead, he picks arguments with her over silly things (such as text messages from guy friends she has known for years) and gives her the silent treatment. They just finished a silent period that lasted for 2 whole days. It was B that had to end it, because he won't ever admit to being wrong, he is a passive aggressive son of a gun I tell you. She suspects that he may have strayed and has a guilty conscience. This is the part that is really hard for me. In some ways, I feel responsible for this situation between them- but then I think about it again- our "relationship" if you could call it that- it never materialized. It never progressed into an affair. And for him to be acting out an entire year later, I have to believe that it's not on account of me- rather he has tangled himself in another dalliance that has perhaps gone too far. One thing I know for certain- he HAS gotten into these situations before- he admitted that to me on one of those phone calls right after the move. He admitted to 2 such situations in the past- knowing this guy and his huge ego- I would multiply that by 10. Because someone like A gets off on being the puppetmaster. He pulls the strings in any way possible to twist things his way. Fortunately for me, he is no longer in my daily life and I am out of his reach. Poor B is not so lucky. After 13 years of marriage and 2 kids, it's not so easy to walk away from it- even with his emotional alienation and controlling behavior. I hate to say this- but I think she would be better off without him. I know I am. But I can't say these things because I love her and want her to be at peace. I could never be the one to inflict this pain on anyone I love. I hold it inside of me and suffer it in silence.
That is my confession, my deep dark secret, be that as it may....... and before you pass judgement on my actions or how I handled the situation, please bear in mind that no one is infallible when it comes to affairs of the heart. All one can do is reevaluate and renew and start over. That is what I have done, and that is what I will keep doing until I make it right.
Until next time... that's it and that's all folks.....
An introduction....
I call this blog "Meanderings" because it is what I aim to do on this blog....this will be my random thoughts, sometimes organized, but not always. I think it will mostly be a way for me to talk about things that have been going on in my life, or in my friends' lives, or in my family's lives. I am treating this as an online diary of sorts, and if anyone out there wants to read it, fine. In fact, sometimes I think I may even enjoy input on my "Meanderings".
So with that said... let me start off by saying that I am an almost 35 year old female, I am married 9 years (next month is my anniversary), no children. The no children part is significant- because I recently found out that I have a fertility problem. I have endometriosis, and my hormone levels are borderline low/normal. I have been seeing a reproductive endocrinologist, and I have had a lot of tests done (so far all ok), however, none of these things have been covered by insurance, and it has presented a huge strain on our finances. Hubby had to cash in some of his childhood bonds that he had for 25 years to pay for the initial tests. We are still unsure how we will raise the money to go through with the artificial insemination and associated meds and doctor visits that go with it. I am also scheduled to have surgery to remove the endometriosis next month. The day after my 35th birthday to be exact. I feel like I need to do this at this point in my life...I feel the urgency of my biological clock ticking. I am the oldest of 3 children in my family..and both my brother and my sister have had 2 children each. It is at the point where everyone looks at me as if I have a problem, and unfortunately, they are correct. The thing is... I'm not telling them about it. I am too embarrassed to do so. So I doggedly pursue my goal of achieving a pregnancy after my surgery- I pray to God that it will happen. That is my biggest worry right now- and my most treasured dream. For anyone out there that reads this, if you know someone who has had a problem like this, or if you are that person, I know you can understand my feelings here.
Enough about that for now...I have a feeling that I will be talking about that more and more in the coming months as I go through all the treatments.
That's it and that's all folks.....
So with that said... let me start off by saying that I am an almost 35 year old female, I am married 9 years (next month is my anniversary), no children. The no children part is significant- because I recently found out that I have a fertility problem. I have endometriosis, and my hormone levels are borderline low/normal. I have been seeing a reproductive endocrinologist, and I have had a lot of tests done (so far all ok), however, none of these things have been covered by insurance, and it has presented a huge strain on our finances. Hubby had to cash in some of his childhood bonds that he had for 25 years to pay for the initial tests. We are still unsure how we will raise the money to go through with the artificial insemination and associated meds and doctor visits that go with it. I am also scheduled to have surgery to remove the endometriosis next month. The day after my 35th birthday to be exact. I feel like I need to do this at this point in my life...I feel the urgency of my biological clock ticking. I am the oldest of 3 children in my family..and both my brother and my sister have had 2 children each. It is at the point where everyone looks at me as if I have a problem, and unfortunately, they are correct. The thing is... I'm not telling them about it. I am too embarrassed to do so. So I doggedly pursue my goal of achieving a pregnancy after my surgery- I pray to God that it will happen. That is my biggest worry right now- and my most treasured dream. For anyone out there that reads this, if you know someone who has had a problem like this, or if you are that person, I know you can understand my feelings here.
Enough about that for now...I have a feeling that I will be talking about that more and more in the coming months as I go through all the treatments.
That's it and that's all folks.....
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