A friend's dilemma

Here's a topic that has been weighing on me heavily for a long time now- I first have to explain the situation before I can go into the current problem. So, here goes-



I am friends with a married couple, A (husband) and B (wife). I used to work with them. In fact, I worked closely with A, he and I were in a situation of superior/inferior so to speak. B came to work there years after he did, but she and I became friends (at A's urging.) I had a friendly/ flirty relationship with A- I felt comfortable with him and I felt "safe" in that flirty relationship. About a year ago, B and A decided to move out of state- they hated it here where we live and wanted out. It was at that time that things with A got out of hand. What was once flirty in a non serious way, suddenly became serious. I got caught up in the male attention, he was on a power trip, enjoying the drama of it. A week before he left- we had a meeting over drinks- and he kissed me. I was so sick over this incident- that the next day at work, I requested that we have lunch to discuss the whole thing. We both came to an agreement that this was not the road we would go down- there was too much at stake, etc. Although riddled with guilt, I was putting it behind me, because it was nothing, right?



Fast Forward a week- it's his last nite in town- the 4 of us go out for drinks and karaoke and get absolutely smashed. They invite us back to their house for a while- so we went. The guys consume more beer- B and I switch to water so we can sober up. After a little while, B passes out upstairs, and Hubby passes out on the floor. That is when things got out of hand. A decided that he wanted to go back on the agreement that we had made about not going further and jeopardizing our lives- he decided, as is his typical fashion, to change the plan and went for me anyway.



After a lot of talking and kissing and groping- he finally let me go- because I was terrified of this becoming a scene. I even said to him- how unfair of you to do this to me when it was a done deal- we weren't going to do this. And all he could say is...I have been thinking of you all week, and all I wanna do is to bend you over that slide in the backyard and have you. (SO charming, huh?) We left off on a bad note, as I was mortified and humiliated and all sorts of emotions we swirling around me. After he left, I did speak to him on the phone a few times..and basically he said he didn't regret any of it and that if he wasn't married to B, he would go for me, even if I was still with Hubby. That was the death knell for our friendship- for I could never view him in the same light again after that. It was a betrayal of my Hubby, and my dear friend B as well.



Fast forward again to a year later- and we finally meet again face to face- he comes to town to visit with a good friend and comes by the office to visit. I hadn't heard from him in 2 1/2 months and he has been ignoring me in general. It was a little strained, and I was a nervous wreck to see him after all that happened, as I have tortured myself for a year over the guilt and the sadness of losing out on the friendship. The 3 of us went for drinks on the last nite he was here- things were normal on the surface, but I could see that twinkle in his eye and I knew in that moment that nothing had changed with him. There was no conscience there- he would repeat that behavior if given the chance to. That saddened me more- but now I have come to terms with the fact that I am friends with a habitual philanderer (I don't even know if you can call it "friends".)

I feel for B- because she is the one suffering from the emotional abandonment. She recently opened up to me about their volatile relationship (which I knew of somewhat from my dealings with A) and how since they have moved he has been unnaturally jealous. She tells me he has never been that way before, and has even stooped to checking her cell phone and text messages and emails on the home computer, all of a sudden he feels insecure about their relationship. She tells me that he is acting like he is guilty for something, but won't tell her what's bothering him. Instead, he picks arguments with her over silly things (such as text messages from guy friends she has known for years) and gives her the silent treatment. They just finished a silent period that lasted for 2 whole days. It was B that had to end it, because he won't ever admit to being wrong, he is a passive aggressive son of a gun I tell you. She suspects that he may have strayed and has a guilty conscience. This is the part that is really hard for me. In some ways, I feel responsible for this situation between them- but then I think about it again- our "relationship" if you could call it that- it never materialized. It never progressed into an affair. And for him to be acting out an entire year later, I have to believe that it's not on account of me- rather he has tangled himself in another dalliance that has perhaps gone too far. One thing I know for certain- he HAS gotten into these situations before- he admitted that to me on one of those phone calls right after the move. He admitted to 2 such situations in the past- knowing this guy and his huge ego- I would multiply that by 10. Because someone like A gets off on being the puppetmaster. He pulls the strings in any way possible to twist things his way. Fortunately for me, he is no longer in my daily life and I am out of his reach. Poor B is not so lucky. After 13 years of marriage and 2 kids, it's not so easy to walk away from it- even with his emotional alienation and controlling behavior. I hate to say this- but I think she would be better off without him. I know I am. But I can't say these things because I love her and want her to be at peace. I could never be the one to inflict this pain on anyone I love. I hold it inside of me and suffer it in silence.



That is my confession, my deep dark secret, be that as it may....... and before you pass judgement on my actions or how I handled the situation, please bear in mind that no one is infallible when it comes to affairs of the heart. All one can do is reevaluate and renew and start over. That is what I have done, and that is what I will keep doing until I make it right.



Until next time... that's it and that's all folks.....