One month old today!!

Today my baby boy is 1 month old... it has been quite an experience so far...I am sleep deprived, I feel like a milk cow...but I am so overjoyed and in love with this little baby. He is the sweetest thing in the world and I couldn't imagine life without him. I am still worried about being unemployed, but I am trying not to focus on the worry and trying to focus my energy on this baby and being a mother.

I still pray every day that something good will happen for me jobwise and moneywise. My biggest wish is to be able to afford to be a stay at home mother. I feel that it's so important to be here for him and to experience all his first moments and not leave him to a caregiver, even though his caregiver will be my own mother. I am fiercely protective of him and don't want to leave him with anyone, not even family members. I have to have him by my side at all times. He's just too little to leave me, especially since I nurse every 2 hours. I adore this baby- he is my world.

Anyway, I just wanted to jump on here to mention his 1 month birthday- and try to do a post every month and every milestone as much as I can.

That's it and that's all.... ;)

Adjusting to Motherhood

The baby is 2 weeks old today- and I have to say, he is the most precious thing in the world to me, I love him unconditionally and with no reservations. However, I am really really worn out. Round the clock feedings every 3 hours (I am breast feeding) and the intermittent crying jags have me totally sleep deprived. Hubby was home with me this week to help out, but he goes back to work on Monday and then I am totally alone with the baby and I am really nervous about it. I am always fearful that something will happen when I am alone in the house and I am not even able to drive yet b.c of the healing from the C section. On top of that, I am also nervous about taking him out by myself once I am cleared to drive again. I have a lot of fears and it's really bad b/c even though I have always been on the nervous side, it seems to have intensified now that I have the baby. I waited 10 years to have this baby, and now I don't want to take any chances that he will be hurt or even uncomfortable in any way. I know it's irrational, but I don't know how to stop. Maybe this is the post partum depression that I have heard about... I do get a little weepy at times, but I attribute that to the hormones.

Another issue I am having is with my in laws. My mother in law in particular. I can't stand her anymore. She is way too pushy and is encroaching on my personal space in my own house. Yesterday, my in laws just showed up without any notice and I just about flipped out. I deserve at least the courtesy of a phone call. To make it worse, they just WALK in to my house without knocking first. I breast feed the baby in the living room when there is no one in the house and I also pump there because there is a TV to watch while I do it. If I can't feel secure in my own house that I won't have to be embarrassed, then where can I possibly be? I gave Hubby an ultimatum- he has to put his foot down about them calling before they just drop in or else I will have their names removed from the guest list at the front gate and I will have the locks changed on the house. I am totally serious about it. I don't think I should have to worry about my modesty in my own house, it's not fair for me to have to worry that someone will walk in on me with my boob hanging out. Breastfeeding is a personal decision for me and I am self conscious enough as it is that my boobs are freakoshly huge right now- I do not want an audience staring at them on top of it all.

So that's my angst for the day- I am still working on the birth announcements (another thing that the in laws are annoying me to get out in the mail- as if I have had NOTHING at all to do but work on that for the past 2 weeks!) hopefully those will be completed this weekend and go out in the mail by Monday.

That's it and that's all for now....

I'm a Mommy now!

On Feb 6, 2009 at 7:56 am, I became a Mommy for the first time..my son was born via C Section and it has redefined my world as I know it. I never realized how in love I would be with this baby until I finally saw him. He was 7 lbs, 14 oz and 20.5 in long. He's absolutely precious and I could never imagine there being a time when he wasn't with me.

He had a little bit of a rough start, he was in the NICU for the first 30 hrs because he had fluid in his lungs and had to be suctioned, then he developed jaundice on Day 3 and had to be blood tested every day until Day 7 when it was determined that it was clearing up. Now he is home and doing pretty well I think. I am breast feeding, pumping and using some formula as well. It's working out so far. I am still trying to adjust to the every 3 hour feeding schedule around the clock, and going without sleep in order to do it. I try to snatch a nap whenever I can- I should have been sleeping all this time this morning when the baby was sleeping but I really wanted to get online and post and check email too- I literally have had no time to do that. It's amazing how much work one little person can be. I think we do 5 small loads of laundry per day just of his clothing, bedding, etc. He almost always throws up or pees on something right after we dress him in it, or put him on it in the case of the bassinet sheets. My hubby is at wits end with the laundry... I told him, this is what parenthood is like...just roll with it. He's having a hard time adjusting..I hope he gets better with it soon, because I need his support as much as possible.

So, I guess I will sign off now...I will TRY to get on here with updates as my little one develops. He really IS the most beautiful baby I have ever seen.... :)

That's it and that's all...
:)

37 weeks!

Well...it's almost to the end....I am 37 weeks tomorrow- I am definitely having the baby by C section on Feb 6th- 2 weeks from today. I am excited, nervous and scared. I hate the idea of surgety...but I am happy NOT to have to endure labor. I keep hearing how much worse that is. I'll take the easier route, thank you very much.

As a result of this development, I will have my last day at work on Feb 5th- and then I am done with that place for good. Of course, I will be unemployed, but there is a measure of relief to know that I won't have to endure that place and the stress it causes once the baby is here. I will get a chance to really bond being home with him indefinitely. I'll collect unemployment and continue to look for a job...

So that's it and that's all for now.....will blog more later...

:)

Baby Shower!

Today is my baby shower.... I am a little excited about it... the whole job layoff thing has put a little damper on things, but it will be a nice afternoon, so I am trying to concentrate on it. I wanted to make note of the fact that B- the same B that is supposed to be my friend- totally ignored the invitation to the baby shower and never RSVP'd- despite telling me from the beginning that "I want to be invited to your baby shower, I want to come in for it." Well, I invited her, and she basically avoided me completely for the past month. I even sent her a personal invitation to stay at my house so she wouldn't need a hotel- I never got a response. I sent a Christmas Card, and a Happy New Year text message, but those were ignored as well. Yesterday, I get a call on my cell from her and I didn't pick up b/c I am pretty pissed off- I mean, come ON...how HARD would it have been to respond to the invitation and say..." I am so sorry, I wish I could come, but I have work." or whatever excuse- any excuse would have been better than the avoidance. I think she just doesn't want to give a gift. Whatever- if she said, "I can't afford to come." I would have understood that as well. The entire thing really didn't sit well with me. Her voice mail on my cell was like "I'm sorry to RSVP so late, but obviously I can't come to the shower, I would like to come visit after the baby is born. Talk to you soon." WHATEVER. She wasn't supposed to RSVP to me, first of all...it was supposed to be my mom or my mother in law, they were the ones listed on the invite as the contact for RSVP anyway. Second of all...why even bother to call the DAY before the shower? It's OBVIOUS that you had no intention of going to the shower- most ppl responded within 2 weeks after it was sent out. It didn't sit well with me...and still doesn't. I'm not going to let it ruin my day. All it did was further open up my eyes to the fact that yet another "friend" really IS NOT a friend at all. Friends don't do things like this. Another so called "friend" Miss G I'll call her- never responded to the invitation at ALL. I did this girl SOOOOO many favors over the years. And the least she could do is respond to an invitation. Basically, I am writing her off as well. She'll never hear from me again. If she can't be a friend to me now, then she isn't my friend. She's someone who uses you for what you can do for her and then never comes through for you when you need her. So adios to Miss G. She can find someone else to rip off original choreo from now. She can kiss my ass!

Angst aside... the people that count are coming to the event. I don't have too many of my friends there, as my mom kept lamenting- you don't have ANYONE to invite? Not even from work?? To which I reponded- no I don't feel comfortable inviting ANYONE from that place. And it's a good thing too- look what ended up happening! I am being laid off anyway and I won't have any contact with any of those people after my little boy is born. Besides, I feel really strongly that my pics of the event do not contain random people that I have no connection to on a long term basis. That's just my feeling on this. I think it's a pretty sound theory. I'll look at these pics years from now and go...who the heck is that??? It just makes good sense to me.

Now for a baby update:

I had my 35 week ultrasound yesterday- my baby is 6 lbs! My placenta is still previa, meaning it's still low, even though it DID move up a lot since last ultrasound- but it's not likely to really move out of the way of the cervix enough that I can deliver naturally. My doc doesn't want me to go into labor and have contractions b/c it could cause bleeding, and it is PROFUSE bleeding when that happens...and that would mean an emergency C section with the possibility of fetal distress. So I left off with her yesterday that we are likely going to schedule me for a C section at 37 or 38 weeks- that is only 2 -3 weeks away! She is going to consult with a perinatologist and let me know Monday what his opinion is regarding the timing of the section, and if he feels it's necessary for me to take an amnio to determine the fetal lung maturity prior to the C section. I am supposed to hear from her on Monday about that news.
I am a little hesitant about the C section part, because it IS still a major surgery- however, I think I am MORE afraid of natural childbirth and the actual labor process...being in pain for 24 hrs etc.

As far as how this will affect my seperation agreement with work, I am not sure. I will have to wait until I know a date to be scheduled before I can figure out what they will do. The way they had it set up, I would not really be returning to work after the baby- I would go out on leave and never come back- with him coming a few weeks early, it leaves a gap- and I am wondering if they would seriously make me go back for a week or 2 weeks and then leave. I'd rather not go back there after he is born. I already have it in my head that I don't want to see that place ever again after I leave. Once I am gone, I am gone for good.

I will have to wait and see how that goes, and of course, I will be updating on here...

That's it and that's all!

35 Weeks and on the job hunt again

I got the bad news yesterday.....I am losing my job AGAIN....getting laid off for the 2nd time in just under a year. I am still in shock. I am being kept on until I go out for maternity leave- they will pay me for the 6 weeks, then after that I get a big 2 weeks severance pay. I already contacted a labor lawyer and basically I can't pursue any legal action b/c they have covered their bases. They are "eliminating" my position, and b/c it's being eliminated, they don't have to guarantee me a job to come back to after the baby, not to mention, I didn't even get an entire year of service in, my anniversary date is April 21st. So I didn't even stand a chance.

Looking back on the past few months, I don't know if there were any obvious signs. I think that once I got the Dr's note that limited my hours of work to only 40 hrs per week, I think that got them thinking that I would not be able to continue working 50 + hours a week once the baby was born. Realistically, I kept thinking this myself- how the hell was I going to be able to do that job with a newborn? Working at least 7 am to 5 pm (with some days required to stay until 6 pm) and trying to nurse the baby was going to be next to impossible. I wondered how I was going to be able to pump during the day also. I doubt that they would have been accomodating to allow me the access to a private area (not a bathroom) to pump. I think they just didn't want to deal with the potential sick days I'd have to take if the baby was sick, and the leaving early to take him to the Dr's, etc. I think they they started planning this as soon as they saw that I was pregnant. Of course, it is impossible to prove that this was the reason. But in the depths of my soul I KNOW that is what happened. They refused to give me any kind of performance evaluation, I should have had some sort of merit raise after 6 months... I never was made eligible for the bonuses, despite the fact that I took over a higher level position that should have been entitled to it. I knew that this was not the best company, but I was happy that I was employed, and now I am in a spot where I won't have a 3 month severance to carry me like last year. I don't know what I am going to do....but I must reinvent myself again. Perhaps this is the time now that I should completely switch gears and go into a different field altogether. Something medical- they always need people in medical. It's a serious consideration, I don't want to fall victim to another corporation that will lay you off with no concern at all.

Despite the shock, I don't really have any roots at the place. I never made any close friends there. I was always wary of people's intentions and their allegiances. It's just as well. I guess you could say that I can move on easier because I am less emotionally invested in the place. The layoff is not due to performance, but to lost business, etc. Even with the lost business, they gained more big business in it's place, so I really think it's an excuse to get rid of the preggo..but whatever.


I will have to start over, and rise from the ashes like the proverbial phoenix once again.

That's it and that's all....

30 weeks today!

It's been a few months since I have posted any blogs. I have been so busy that I haven't had the time...let me get caught up here....

1st- I am 30 weeks pregnant today- I am well into my 7th month of my pregancy and things have finally started to feel real. I have had a hard go of it these past 7 months...from the constant sickness the first trimester, to the stress and trip to the hospital in my 2nd trimester. The job has made things harder, I will explain more in the next part. As far as the baby goes, we still don't have a name for him. We can't really agree on one. My family has been very vocal with suggestions...most of which I detest. My husband's mother had some suggestions that I did not like either. The fact that she said to me, "I'm not going to say any other names because you won't use them because I suggested them." pretty much sums up the situation. She also made a comment that she hopes I use a simple, normal name... not one of those new names that all the celebrities use these days. Just for spite I should name him Table or Knife Block....something stupid..but then again, that only punishes the poor baby. I want to remain original, yer not bizarre. It's a fine line, a very hard one I admit.

We have started his room, getting it ready....we installed new carpets and received his nursery furniture all before Thanksgiving. Now all we need to do is clear out the closet. That is considerably harder to do. It needs to be done before the baby shower- which will be on January 10th. That's another whole blog topic on it's own. I will save that one for the next time.

2nd- Now on to the job. Let's see, I am on my 3rd boss since I started there. The first one was fired 3 weeks after I started, then the 2nd one came in July, only to leave in September due to a health problem. The 3rd is a lady who came from corporate was the trainer for the company and she's pretty knowledgeable. She has been helpful, but of course there were more changes. I inherited someone else's desk that decided to transfer to another division. I inherited a NIGHTMARE of work that I am still trying to sort out and it's been over 6 weeks since she left. Then I found out 3 days ago that they are restructuring again and that now I won't be reporting to the guy that I was reporting to- who I have really liked and worked well with- but to the other manager, who I can't stand. Things are in constant motion there...it's a stressful environment- so much so that about a month ago I ended up in the hospital with contractions. The Dr. threatened bed rest, but I told her I couldn't do that...I wasn't working there long enough to be entitled to FMLA. So she wrote me a note dictating that I am only allowed to work 8 hrs per day for the duration of the pregnancy. So now I am working 7:30 to 4 pm- I love the hours they are what I have always wanted to work- but it's only temporary. The one good thing is that I am less stressed just knowing that I have my work schedule guaranteed by the Dr's note. And it's not like I'm working less than 40 hrs....so they can't say that I am not earning my paycheck. Prior to this note, I was working a consistent 50-55 hr week and it was only getting worse with the holiday rush approaching. So it was a Godsend that I got that Dr's note. Everything happens for a reason. Now I pray that I can find another job after the baby comes that has more normal hours. I know that the work schedule that they expect is unreasonable with a baby. Especially since I intend to nurse him for as long as I can. The economy is so terrible these days, it will be a daunting task to find new employment. But I will still keep my eyes open, because the job won't come to me- I learned that from working at the other place. I am glad to be out of there....I can't believe it's been almost a year. It's been about a year since I got the insulting jar of M&Ms as the corporate holiday gift too. You know I still have that jar, and some of the M&M's are in there...I keep it to remind me of how bad a job could be. As hard as I work at this new place, I at least have a real function there- what I do makes a difference. It's a different vibe. I am still a cog in the machine..but this machine is more efficient and better than that other one. Hey, at least we got a Turkey for Thanksgiving- it was only 11 1/2 lbs- but it was the gesture that counts.

Speaking of Thanksgiving- 2008 marked the first time that I hosted Thanksgiving in my home. I have been married for 10 years and this was the first holiday that I have done myself. It turned out pretty nice. We were 10 people all together- my in laws, my parents, and my sister, brother in law and niece and nephew. Other than the stress of cleanup- which my house is STILL not perfect over a week afterwards...it was a success. I may be inclined to do it again in the future..just not the immediate future- my little baby boy will be a handful for a little while and it may not be possible to do it. We will have to wait and see.

So, that's the story for now. I promise to get on here more often so I can chronicle how I feel being pregnant, and other stuff that happens.

That's it and that's all for now....