Happy New Year 2012!

Well, it's a new calendar year- maybe this will be the beginning of things looking up for me. The Christmas holidays were on the somber side. We managed to get through them though. The first miracle of the new year happened: my parents finally got the loan modification that they had been trying to get for over a year, they will finally be able to keep their home. Thank God, it was such stress on them, and me as well. Now I have my own financial issues to worry about- mostly the fact that Hubby's almost 2 months without income severely hurt our nest egg (what little we had, it wasn't much.) It will takes months to recover from it, especially if I can't get full time employment. I have been actively looking ever since my boss hinted that he was leaving. He told me the other day that he would be leaving pretty soon, that he was lining up another position for himself, etc. No idea how soon is soon. I am terrified of being left at the company after he is gone- I will be thrown to the wolves. I need to get out of there, and fast. The problem is that the job market is still pretty soft for my line of work. Positions are few and far between and have a ton of applicants. I think my resume is being lost in the sea of job seekers. I know I have a great resume, it just needs to get in front of the right person to give me a shot.

Anyway, that is the situation for now. I will really try to get in and post more often, if only to help alleviate my stress level.

That's it and that's all...

And So This Is Christmas....

It's Christmas Eve, and I'm not in the spirit. 2011 really has been a rough year for my family. Hubby had to have heart surgery last month, and his insurance is now denying his short term disability payments. We have not had his income for 6 weeks, and since he only went back to work 2 days ago, there's at least another 2 weeks before we see a paycheck. It's been so stressful that I am completely unable to see the joy of the season. Hubby and I fight constantly- money, child rearing, house chores- it goes on and on. I think I am depressed. I find it really difficult to lift a finger around the house, even though I desperately want the house to be neat and clean. I am worried all the time about if we will be able to make bills, and although I have been looking for a full time job, I've not had any luck with any of the interviews that I have had. I feel like everything is closing in on me and there is no way out. It's a truly terrible feeling, especially at Christmas.

My job is now in an uncertain place- my boss believes that he will be let go any day now. He is stressed to the max and he told me that he is on the verge of quitting. All of this adds up to me having to worry if I will have a job as well. It's bad enough that I have had no benefits with this job, but if I lose it, I don't even think I could get unemployment. It's scary. I have been looking for work so I can leave before that could happen. But so far, it's been an uphill battle.

I continue to feel used and taken advantage of by my family as well. My Mom treats me like a servant that she has at her beck and call. I do her many favors, the biggest of which is to drive her around because she doesn't drive, and I get no thanks. Or, I get minimal thanks and the next day it's forgotten. I am spending $100 per week for gas that I can't afford, and I have to drive 10 miles each way to get to her house and back, not including the running around to different stores. The other day I took her "food shopping" which was supposed to be a trip to 1 grocery store, that turned into 3 different grocery stores and over 4 hours. I used up a 1/4 tank of gas that day. I don't get so much as a thank you, and on top of it, whenever I call her, she snarks at me on the phone and gets snippy with me. I'm so over it all, it's not even funny.

Adding to my foul mood is the fact that Hubby is forced to work both today, Christmas Eve, and tomorrow all day 8-5 on Christmas Day. That was the punishment he got from work for being out on sick leave for 6 weeks. The man just had heart surgery! Corporate bastards should roast in hell!

So anyway, I'm really in a Grinch kind of mood, and I want desperately to have a Christmas miracle- like, to win the Powerball or Lotto tonight. That would solve a lot of my issues.

As for Shell, I've heard from her on and off lately. I don't really go out of my way to seek her out, but I speak to her every few weeks or so. She called yesterday to tell me that she and the daughter were going to drive to NY leaving tonite. She avoids the topic of the bf, but I am sure that is why she is going up there. I just don't have the energy to think about that ridiculous situation, so I leave it alone.

Anyway, that's it for now, Merry Christmas (I think) and praying for a better year in 2012.

9/11/11 - A Somber 10 Year Anniversary

I have been a bad blogger lately, however, I could not let this day go by without writing an entry. I have many thoughts and emotions about this somber 10 year anniversary of the terrorist attacks on our country; thinking about this day 10 years ago brings me right back to that day and the feelings of fear, uncertainty and sadness. I remember where I was at the very moment I heard about the first airplane hitting the WTC: I was at my desk on my daily morning phone call with Shell (she called me every day at work on her commute to her job down south, it was a long trip.) The radio station I had on broke into the programming to announce that there was news out of NYC of a small airplane crashing into the WTC. The speculation was that it was pilot error. As Shell and I discussed what we just heard, they broke into programming again to announce that a SECOND airplane had crashed into the 2nd tower. At that point, we both knew that it was some sort of terror attack, but still had no idea of the magnitude of these 2 crashes.

I remember the radio station switched the programming to keep their morning crew on the air for the entire day- they were as flabbergasted as we all were to hear about this terrible attack.

I remember being so afraid for my family members that lived in NY, especially since I knew some of them worked downtown in Manhattan. My cousin worked on Wall Street at the time and was only a few blocks away from all of that. My husband's cousin lived in an apartment building across from the WTC. It took hours to get word that they were ok- the cell towers were overloaded and we couldn't get through on the phone to call. My cousin ended up walking over the Brooklyn bridge to get to a train to take him home to Long Island. My husband's cousin had to evacuate his apartment, it was covered in dust from the explosions.

When the towers collapsed, it was the most surreal thing I have ever seen. It was sad and terrifying at the same time. We had no idea what this was and why it happened. We all learned that our country's citizens could band together in a brotherhood of common patriotism for our great country, that we could lend helping hands to friends, neighbors and strangers alike. The overwhelming pride and patriotism for the USA. We viewed our police, firefighters and military servicemen with more respect, awe and graciousness than ever before.

That day our country went to war to preserve our way of life here in America. Enemy #1 was named Osama bin Laden. President Bush gave his oath to protect our country from this man and all that he stood for. After nearly 10 years the promise that President Bush made was fulfilled when our Navy Seals team 6 found and dispatched bin Laden. It has come full circle.

I will spend this day reflecting on the past events of this day 10 years ago, but I will also continue to look forward to the future. I will never forget what has happened, but I know that we are resilient, we are proud, and we will persevere.

God Bless the victims, their families and all of the service men and women who have lost their lives in the war on terror. I pray for their souls and for peace for their families.

God Bless America, land of the free and home of the brave!!

More news?

I guess this has been a week for news. 2 things- 1) The more exciting of the 2- I am getting a bonus from work! My boss had to go to bat for me to get them to give it- but I am pleasantly surprised to know I'll be getting it this week! 2) This is another interesting development- Shell called me last night. She pretty much told me that she is breaking it off with that guy. She is sick and tired of the situation. As she put it. "I woke up from my mid-life crisis and went back to being responsible again." Hmm.. interesting. Although I called it- I knew this would eventually end between them, I am not taking this as the complete truth. My take is this- she gave him an ultimatum, he couldn't (or won't) commit, and she said, heck with it. The thing is, she said she still wants to be with him one more time before she breaks it off. ?? Ok, so I asked her if she was planning to tell him in person, and she said, no, I just want to "be with him" one more time. See what I mean? She's still not thinking clearly. I think she's trying to find a way to keep it going, but give the appearance that she's fed up. That's why I am not 100% convinced that she is done with him. I am sure there is even more to the story that she told me. The entire truth will come out in small chunks until I get the entire picture. I knew some of what she admitted to me last night because one of our mutual friends told me some of it almost 2 years ago. She has been holding out on telling me facts and details. It's pretty much status quo with her anyway. So that's the update for now... I am sure I will have more to tell in the coming days... That's it and that's all!

A Short Entry

Guess who called me out of the blue this morning? Yep, my old buddy A. It was kinda strange to hear from him again. I don't think I have spoken to him since last September. He started off the conversation with , "Hello, Beautiful." My sarcastic mind immediately suspects that something is up. He basically wanted to see how things were going, how is the little guy, how's hubby, etc. I told him about hubby's heart thing. He said he had no idea. I guess he never sees my FB updates, b/c it was clearly on there when this all went down. He ended the conversation with , "I just came across your name and was thinking about you. You never call me!" I told him he could FB anytime. I don't want to encourage him. Anyway, I thought I'd document that particular exchange in my little journal.. ;) That's it and that's all....

It's been a while!

Well, I guess I have been bad about updating this online blog- in my defense, there has been a lot of stuff going on, and I never seem to have a few minutes alone to update it. So here's the update of sorts: Bad Friend Update It's pretty much the same crap over and over again with Shell. I never ended up seeing her for her kid's bday, nor did she bother to plan a Sweet 16 for her (as far as I know, there could have been a huge party that I wasn't invited to.) Things continue to be strained between us, despite the many olive branches I extend and the many 2nd chances I give her. She finally admitted to me that she is still seeing that married guy she knew from high school, and has been seeing him for 2 years. He won't leave his wife because of the kids, and she is still married to the other winner that refuses to give her a divorce. It's an impossible situation that cannot be resolved without letting go of the boyfriend. She refuses to do that, so she must be ok with being 2nd fiddle in this guy's life. She never has been able to find a man that treats her with respect because she doesn't respect herself enough to know better than to stay involved with this guy. She calls him her "soul mate." She's clearly delusional- she can't see that he's getting the better end of the deal; he gets the wife and family, and the whore on the side that he gives expensive gifts to. She's little more than a prostitute, at his beck and call whenever he wants her. She jumps on a plane at a moment's notice to go see him (at least once a month) and yet she still cries poverty. Obviously he's paying her airfare and expenses. It's really sad. She knows that I don't approve of this relationship, and that I can see it for what it really is, but she doesn't want to hear it from me, so she avoids me. She also told me that she is planning to move to NY when her daughter graduates in 2 years. I'm sure she is hoping this guy will finally commit to her once she is in town full time. She's too blind to see that he won't keep her anymore once she becomes too accessible- he can't risk the wife finding out. My prediction is that he will break it off by the time she moves there. Time will tell if I am correct on that. Hubby's Health This past month has been really stressful. My dear hubby developed an enlarged heart- he had to have an angiogram (which showed no blockages, thank God) and is now on 8 different meds to control his condition. He was out of work for 3 weeks and just recently went back. Fortunately, it appears that this was caused by an errant virus that settled in his heart, causing the condition to occur. None of the tests could confirm that, however, but the Dr's have stated that they believe that is the case. After it's all said and done, he has an excellent prognosis and the Dr. expects a full recovery. Thank God! He has another cardiologist appt in about a week for a follow up exam. My Little Boy My boy turned 2 in February. He's a big boy 60th% weight and 90th% height- still a very picky eater. Most days he eats very little food, but loves drinking his milk. I go through almost 3 gallons a week! I changed him from whole milk to 2%, but he's still drinking up a storm. I tried 1% for a few days to see if he'd eat more, but he ended up drinking a gallon in 1 day!! So I have my work cut out for me...lol! Job Well, the job front has become more complicated. The owner decided to move the plant from FL to IN. All of the warehouse, production, and shipping personnel will be laid off in April or May. Supposedly my job will be ok, because they are keeping the corporate offices local. I am no dummy, I don't believe that for a minute. I think they will eventually close this office once they settle everything up north. I have my resume out and am open for opportunities. I want to be in control of my next opportunity, not be in a desperate position. I hope to God I find a job that I like as much as this one. Btw- Papparazzi left about a month ago- she found another job right away. I don't miss her, and wasn't at all sad to see her go. The drama level has gone down a few notches with her gone. Well, that's the update for now- I'll try to be better about getting on here more often. That's it and that's all....

Do I or don't I?

So today marks Shell's daughter's Sweet 16 birthday... of course, I should have expected that I would get a phone call today. Highly ironic that on HER daughter's birthday, she would take the time to finally call me back, isn't it?

This all came about because I put a Happy Birthday FB posting to the kid on her page. Shell also had a status stating that her daughter was turning 16 today.She used one of my wedding pics of her daughter (she was my flower girl) and cropped me out of the pic. Basically my comment was that I liked the original pic better with me in it. It kind of aggravated me that she cropped me out. She has SO many pics of all her friends on her page, but none of me and my son...but everyone else gets face time. I know, it's petty, but it still bothered me. To me, it seemed like yet another example of how unimportant I am in her life.

At any rate, this precipitated the obligatory phone call this morning inviting me to the "last minute" birthday bbq. She also made sure to mention that there was a Sweet 16 party in the works, but of course was not yet planned. Whatever. She has known about this for ages, why would she not plan this party ahead of time? WTF? Her very eloquent verbal invite also included the phrase "I understand if you don't want to come." Gee, you think? Do I really want to come to this little last minute soiree for your child? KNOWING that I was a last minute invite? Really? AND bring some sort of present too? No thanks, I'd rather have my wisdom teeth yanked from my head than attend this so called party. If she couldn't come to my boy's 1st party, then there's no way in hell would I have any interest in attending her girl's 16th. She didn't even bother to give him a gift. There's not a chance in hell that I will go to this party, or the one she hasn't planned yet. In my mind, it was a completely disingenuous and insincere invitation, done only to relieve her own guilt for being a crappy friend that can't be bothered to call me back once in a while. In her mind, as long as she extended the invitation, then the ball is in my court. If I refuse to go, she is off the hook once again. This is true, she will be off the hook in her mind, but not in mine.

I told Hubby about this and he said that I should call her back, "Be the bigger person." However, I am sick of being the bigger person. I have been that person for over 20 years. I am always the one who does the right thing and acquieces to her nonsense. This in turn enables her to wiggle her way into my good graces again, setting me up for yet another disappointment when she decides to not be bothered with me once something more titillating comes along; whether it is a new guy, a new friend, or an old friend she reconnected with, no matter, I always rank the lowest on the list. I am tired of being that person.

So as I sit here typing this, I am trying to decide whether I should do one of the following:

1) Return the phone call, and politely decline the "invitation."
2) Don't bother to call back and let her wonder if I ever got the message.
3) Text her back declining the invitation.
4) Call her and then decide to go.

Obviously #4 is out of the question- I don't think that it would be a good idea as it would just enable her to wiggle into my good graces that I don't want her to wiggle into anymore.
#1 is the most civilized option- not sure if I am feeling civilized today.
#2 is the most uncivilized option- not even I am that rude (although she is.)
#3 is the most impersonal option- I am leaning towards this as I have no interest in actually speaking to her.

So right now I have to make a decision how to respond, as the ball is now in my court.... we shall see!

That's it and that's all for now.....